alltimeangela: why does leonardo dicaprio always end up dead in the water with no girlfriend
*Mom hands me phone to answer*
Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
Me: I have no mother.
Her: Well can I speak to your father?
Me: Yeah, which one?
Her: Which one is home?
Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
Her: So who's Antonio?
Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
Her: So Carlos was cheating?
Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
Me: I never said that.
Her: Yes, yes you did!
Me: No I didn't.
Her: Y-yes! You did!
Me: Did what?
Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.
When someone says they’ll always be there for you it’s always a lie.
i say “omg” too much omg omg look i did it again omg
thebatteur: once in kindergarten a girl asked me to write “super girl” on her arm since i was the only kid who could write so i wrote “shit” on her arm and i hid under the table for like 30 minutes then the teacher found me and yelled at me then called my parents and my dad laughed so hard he cried
kanyewesticle: it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning
chickensandwich: when i have tons of money i will still buy cheap clothes because then i can have 100 articles of clothing for the price of 1 really expensive designer item and i will have a lot of money left for food
winter weather: sit on the internet all day
summer weather: sit on the internet all day with the window open
anus: when you meet someone who hasnt seen mean girls
foxnewsofficial: sometimes i’ll have loads of money and then other times i’ll be awake
shattystrashstache: real friendship is sending them a link to something terrible so you can both be traumatized at the same time
Everyone: Are you okay
Everyone: You look tired
Everyone: You look upset
Everyone: You look confused
Everyone: Are you mad at me
Everyone: What are you mad at
Me: IT'S MY FACE
tempoes: everyone says “just get out and leave everything behind in the event of a house fire” like no fuck that shit im grabbing every electronic i can hold
multipack: mom can i borrow $100,000 please i’ll give u it back when im rich and famous
robertoluongo: in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke
i just want perfect skin and hair and teeth and body proportions and endless supplies of money and intelligence is that too much to ask for
fruitpunchg: “ooooohhh” i say as i still dont understand
pizza: rockandkrull: pizza: i don’t understand why parents say ‘i’m very disappointed in you’ like i don’t care i’m very disappointed that mcdonalds doesn’t deliver but u don’t hear me complaining about it actually in new york they deliver so whats your excuse i live in australia and im 103% sure they don’t deliver from new york to australia so whats YOUR excuse for leaving a shitty...
coochiejuice: Sometimes you just gotta spank your own ass and be like “oooh”
ambitiousbard: just be grateful that bing didn’t buy tumblr
p00l-shark: soscalene: imagine having a boyfriend that takes you to concerts Imagine having a boyfriend.
meladoodle: juilan: My ears. They are ringing. are u gonna answer em
purgatorydean: bitterandblue: i really feel like i should have pizza for dinner sshh, if you’re not careful tumblr user pizza will show up
mmmcookies22: petcanadian: staygold-hannah: petcanadian: australiansanta: rosaparking: australian bloggers are like a whole other species i love them and theyre all so frickin hot no its almost winter here we’re freezing no you guys don’t understand freezing. come to canada and say that to my face aussie What are you gonna do Canada? Polite us to death? well i could, but fuck...